NEW YORK— In a move that has annoyed serial killers, tech company Chexology has announced that it has landed two infamous hotel clients: The Overlook Hotel and The Bates Motel. Chexology seeks to breathe new life into the two inns by providing its beloved paperless luggage service.
"You'd have to be a deranged maniac not to see the benefits of Chexology's real-time insights!" says a notably frustrated Jack Torrance, this year's caretaker at the Overlook Hotel. "Which I am, but still… Kinda difficult to butcher people when there's an action log of their existence. Takes the mystery out of the victim's whereabouts, ya know?"
Since the 1970s, the Overlook Hotel has been entangled in a string of cabin-fever-fueled massacres during the isolated winter months. Sources confirm that the secluded Colorado resort hopes to shed its bloody reputation by updating its bell desk system this year.
"Yeah, supposedly, it costs less than existing paper tickets. Plus, I hear it's eco-friendly – but seriously, how's a guy supposed to slowly lose his mind at the Overlook Hotel and chop up his family anymore? I mean… Honestly! It says right there on the app that three of us checked in!"
When asked what Mr. Torrance plans to do with his newfound free time, now that Chexology saves on staffing hours, he joked, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - hahaha! No, but in all seriousness, I'll probably get back into my side hustle, which is writing."
Meanwhile, the Bates Motel, just outside of Fairvale, California, has had a few hiccups of its own with its dated paper bell desk system.
"I've misplaced my fair share of checked bags over the years – heck, I've misplaced my fair share of dead bodies!" says owner Norman Bates, who chuckles nervously. "It's just that we serial killers are a bit old-fashioned regarding hotel technology."
The Bates Motel has run into a dry spell as the community raises suspicion over a string of missing people who have checked into the roadside lodge yet never seem to have checked out. Mr. Bates begrudgingly hopes this modern luggage system will ease the minds of his guests and the local police.
"Look, if guests feel a sense of security knowing there's a photo log of their luggage and valeted car, so be it. I just want to increase our annual victims – I mean guests! I meant guests. Plus, I can monitor the bell desk remotely from anywhere, which allows me to spend more time with my mother."
Norman's mother was not available for comment.
Hotel guests all over the world are dying to try Chexology. It's almost spooky that this sustainable luggage system costs less than paper luggage tickets. Learn more at Chexology.com.